This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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