Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
