Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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