so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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