how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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