oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
