I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
