My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
