i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize