Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
