I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
