Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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