Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Randomize
