My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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