Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
