And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
