did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
