mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
