Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My ATM looks so different sober.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
