I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
pop tarts are not kleenex
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
