We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
