I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
