Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
