dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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