I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
