Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
