Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
