a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
