I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Me too!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
