At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
