I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
