So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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