Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
