Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize