hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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