I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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