i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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