He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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