I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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