I can text with my tongue
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
This is classic penis vs brain.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
