My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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