What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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