i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
