everyone is single if you try hard enough
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
