ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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