He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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