Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My penis needs a shock collar
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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