my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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