it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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