I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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