i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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