I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
