Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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