all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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