I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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