porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize