he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
