If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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