I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize