Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
