I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the night ended with taco bell and tears
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize