Jerry, you need to find god
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize