Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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